I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
