My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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