so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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