You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
