I wish they made helmets for livers.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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