I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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