What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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