dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Randomize
