cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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