Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
