i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
