Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
