Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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