when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
