Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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