Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
