i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
