I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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