You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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