the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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