Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
