who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
