No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
