I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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