I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
