Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
