the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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