Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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