DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
