My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
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