my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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