I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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