I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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