found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I didn't notice because vodka
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Randomize
