I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
