Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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