My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
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