I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
