Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
