my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
