I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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