dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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