Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
