dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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