I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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