In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Randomize
