I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Randomize
