Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
My bed smells like the plague
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
