i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
