Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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