Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
