i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
